belajar senyum :)

aku suka heran sekaligus salut kalo ngeliat orang yg masih bisa senyum padahal kehidupannya sedang tidak bahagia atau memang ga bahagia sama sekali. apalagi kaya yg di sinetron -.-" atau realiti show gitu. mereka masih bisa senyum dengan ikhlasnya ga peduli mereka lagi menghadapi kesulitan sesulit apapun. apakah segampang itu mereka senyum? engga. ga mudah banget buat senyum disela-sela kesulitan kita. maka dari itu aku salut banget buat mereka-mereka yg bisa ngasih senyumnya buat kita walaupun susah. sebenernya aku ingin ngikutin cara mereka, tapi buatku susah. kalo aku ga suka sama sesuatu aku pasti memperlihatkan kalau aku emang ga suka. karena aku ga pandai untuk berpura-pura bahagia. kaya yg lagi aku alamin sekarang. masalah ini kebilang susah buat aku karena di sini aku ga suka seseorang malah bahkan benci (astagfirullah ga mau deh). walaupun bisa kebilang hal kecil, tapi buatku ini besar. karena orang yg aku ga suka ya orang yg pernah jadi pacarku. so complicated. aku udah maafin dia (ga tau deh dia udah minta maaf apa belum) tapi pikiran aku bikin aku ga suka sama dia. kenapa? karena beungeut dia ngajak perang elpiji (humor). karena dia berubah. okelah dia berubah karena kita udahan, aku bisa ngerti. tapi ga gini juga kali ya. orang bilang, cara aku liat dia tuh beda. kaya yg rada judes dan ngedelekin apalah itu. jujur memang benar adanya. dan aku selalu begitu ke semua orang yg aku ga suka. orang bilang juga aku terlihat sangat tegar dan kuat. jujur semua itu berbanding terbalik sama keadaan yg sebenarnya. disebut kuat dan tegar itu emang menyenangkan, tapi kalo liat keadaan kita yg aslinya malah "wah gue udah boong sama orang-orang". kalo untuk masalah ini aku masih bisa ngatasin karena tidak ada sangkut pautnya sama orang yg dituju. masalah kuat dan tegar aku yg melakukan dan aku yg berusaha, aku cuma minta bantuan untuk orang yg dituju tolong jangan bikin saya jengkel atau drop lagi ya. tolong dibantu ya. mohon bantuannya ya. kembali ke topik. sebenrenya aku ingin banget senyum sama orang yg aku ga suka tapi aku ga bisa pura-pura, susah ya. ga gampang buatku. apa sih rahasia mereka yg bisa senyum ikhlas? ingin banget. ya sudah lah sekarang aku mau pake caraku sendiri. ingin aku senyum sama orang-orang. tapi kalau mereka ga senyum balik atau malah "apa sih nih orang senyam senyum ke gue? salah gue apa coba?" gimana? oke namanya juga ikhlas, diterima atau ga diterima ga masalah yg penting ikhlas. senyum itu juga kan bisa jadi lambang bersyukur udah dikasih mulut dan bibir. apa salahnya untuk digunakan? mulai sekarang aku ingin bisa senyum ga peduli seberapa besar masalah yg lagi aku hadepin. 

Thank you :)

dear God, thanks for giving me today. i'm very pleased with it. I just can't expect You will grant my prayers so fast. how happy I am to face today. I hope it isn't just for today and will never end. I like to have friends like them. I know they will never break my heart. God, I really need them. I hope they will never leave me behind and so do I. and I hope there are so many people await to be my friends and I'll find them.

Poor Girl

do you know who is the poorest girl in the world? if you don't know, i can tell you. she's the third child in her family and the youngest. born on May 1994, now she's 16. just like the other teenage, she has feeling to the boys. an extraordinary feeling and she had a boyfriend. but one day, her boyfriend broke her up with a hard way. she really disappointed with him because of some reason, personal reason. she hope, she never had to meet him, ever and never. but she knew she couldn't blame anyone. these all were her life and she couldn't avoid it. it wasn't her fault, and neither was he. but life must go on. then she realized that she has to run this life as good as she can. and she's trying to get up till now. try to throw away the tears that fill her days. days gone by, but she can't find the way to cure her broken heart. she's too weak to do all of that. but she knows that she can make it, yes she believes she can do that. no matter what happen, she will make it. when she felt better, another problem came. actually it's not a new problem, it's an old problem but she can't handle it anymore. you know what? today she cried. cried in the corner of her class. cried because she has so many friends, but no one wants to be her friend. there was only two of her friends who accompanied her. they made her feel better. she feels so lonely. what's wrong with her? does she do something? is she not pretty enough? she knows that she's not pretty enough, and so do they. she's not too smart but will, she's not tall but will, she's not white but will. are that wrong for you guys? she knows she can't socialize with anyone. as she knows, she's a loner. she means loner in an empty place, but not in the crowded place. how can she be a loner if there're so many people? although she consider herself as a loner, of course she needs friends. but she can't have it, even just one. she feels invisible in everyone's life. there was she, but nobody noticed. her ex-boyfriend is looking for a new girl, and her old friends are looking for some new friends and she's alone. she doesn't want friends, but she needs them. and she needs a true friends not the traitor. and ironically, these all is me. I wrote about myself. 

Hey this is for you

HEY you boy! this is for someone who used to be my boyfriend for about 11 months. you know what? I use all my holiday for forgetting about you and I try to get up from all these tears. and I just made it. I get up. I never wanna know about you anymore. it's very hard, don't think it's very easy for me. it's hard to face the truth that someone I loved broke his own promise that he will never broke my heart. it's sucks, boy! you were my first love, and i thought you were the last too. how stupid I am to think like that. so stupid enough. and tomorrow, my first day in school, I hope it won't destroy. I don't want you to bring me down like you used to. don't you bring me down everyday. just go away! you are unneeded and unwanted in my life. you can only destroy my life! GO TO JAIL YOU, JERK!

:)

HEY you boy! we're done in everything! you said although we broke up we can still be friends. but how can we be friends if you just make me down and break my heart again? what kind of friend like that? i really don't wanna have a friend like that! it's gross. it's sucks. my friends never dare to break my heart. i don't even wanna know your name. okay we're done in everything. you're not my friend anymore. and you're not my enemy. nothing less nothing more. you're nobody in my life! :)

ga ngerti :(

udah sekitar berapa lama ya? ga tau deh. yg pasti waktu aku masih di rumah yg lama. ya sekitar 1 atau 2 taun yg lalu. waktu aku lagi cuci tangan deh kayanya. tiba-tiba perut kanan bawahku sakit banget kaya yg dililit. kenapa? ga tau juga deh. aku pergi ke mamah sampe nangis. sakitnya ga begitu nyebar tapi sakitnya kerasa banget. linu dan wah nyeri banget. ga tiap hari juga dan ga tentu datengnya kapan. tapi sekalinya dateng sakit banget. kadang kalau nahan pipis, dan kaya yg kebelet gitu (dipikiran sih pasti keluarnya banyak) padahal belum makan minum apa-apa. barulah pas nahan pipis sakit banget. ya allah sakit. tapi pas dikeluarin malah sedikit banget. banget deh. aneh. tapi sekarang sekarang sih aku udah biasa aja. pernah waktu itu aku di periksa USG di prodia. hasilnya sih ga ada apa-apa yg ganjil. malah dokterku bilang aman. tapi kenapa masih sakiiiittt? -,- ada apa ini? apa bakalan terus gini? bosen deh lama-lama -,-

I am me

what you really see in me is not me. I am an imitator and a dreamer, you should know. not at all, but my style, most of them is fake and it's all really not me. although I am an imitator, I have my own way. I don't make them all as same as the origin. I usually change a bit so I didn't seem like I was imitating something. most of what I do, what I say, what I wear, they are imitative. I'm not fully I am till this second. and the reason why I can be like this is my dreams. I could be murdered by my dream. well, not really murdered I go to heaven or hell, it's about my personality. something inside of me always whispers, "I wanna be rich like that", "I wanna be that slim", "I wanna be that tall", "I wanna be like Cinderella who finds her true love and they live happily ever after", "I wanna have a voice like Ashley Tisdale", "I wanna live happily ever after with my husband who truly loves me", "I wanna be smart like Albert Einstein", "I wanna be Jessica Alba", and anything else that impossible I could be. I can only dream and dream and dream again. I'm trying to find who I really am, all this time. but all that I can find is I am selfishly and that's the reason why someone left me. okay, forget that. something else that I can find is I don't care who I supposed to be. I just want to run this life with my own way because it's mine not theirs. I just wanna be me. I'll try no matter how hard it is.

Daftar aktor ganteng versi gue -,-

Noah Ringer
Oke anggap aja ini foto KTP Aang. Lucu sih, tapi kenapa ada di sini? -,-

Cory Monteith
Tau siapa dia? Nonton aja Glee. Ini favoritku.

Jackson Rathbone
"Twilight", "New Moon", "Eclipse" siapa sih yg belum nonton itu. Akui aja deh, Jackson lebih ganteng dari pada Robert. Di "The Last Air Bender" dia jadi Sokka. Kayanya salah cast. Perasaan Sokka orangnya konyol, humoris, autis. Tapi Jackson terlalu serius meraninnya. Kelamaan di Twilight Saga kali ya.

Chris Egan
Beungeut kolot dan ga mungkin umurnya 16 taun kaya gue -,- tapi aktingnya di film "Letters to Juliet" keren banget dan ganteng. Gayanya itu loh kaga nahan -,- gue suka gaya lo

Tom Felton
Oke siapa sih yg ga pernah nonton Harry Potter? Secara Harry Potter keluar tiap taun dan akhirnya mengalahkan Tersanjung. Walaupun karakternya jahat tapi akui aja deh dia ganteng.

Freddie Highmore
Pasti pernah nonton "Charlie and The Chocolate Factory" dong. Secara ditayangin mulu di Bioskop Trans TV -,- yg pernah aku tonton "August Rush" & "The Spiderwick"  

Justin Timberlake
Dia cuma ngisi suara Artie di Shrek 3. Tapi akui aja dia ganteng.

Logan Lerman
Belum pernah nonton filmnya sih, tapi hadapi kenyataan aja kalo dia ganteng :)

Ashton Kutcher
Main di film "Killers", action banget. Di film "Valentine's Day", kasian banget.

Skandar Keynes
Main di film Narnia jadi Edmund Pevensie.

i hope you can do that :)

i've tried to do what you want even it was a hard decision you made for me. hard for me but very easy for you. i just followed your heart's want, i did it. and then i feel like a moron when i realized you didn't follow my heart back. it was just like everybody left me in a cold room after i did their homework, with nothing inside. i'm all alone. but actually, my want is just so simple. i just wanna be friend like we used to. is that so hard for you? you stay away from me? keep our distance? don't even want to look at me? i feel like i'm invisible in your life since we've broken up. i was there with my friend and then you came, you talked to my friend about the english test, she held my paper in her hand, you looked at it but you do nothing even my test higher than you, you took her paper and talked so much, her test had a same grade like i did but you didn't even talk to me, so i stay away because it was so hurt being invisible in that conversation. don't you think how hurt is it? listen, i just wanna be friend, a visible friend.